Archive for the ‘Momma & Me’ Category

He’s still my son

Posted: November 1, 2012 in Momma & Me

The news that I was pregnant left me without words. I was so grateful towards God. I promised that I will look after my baby to the best of my abilities… That I will protect him with my own life… And that I wanna give him only the best, no matter at what cost.

Will I ever forget the day my son lay in my arms for the first time? He was mine! I realized that God trusted me with something so precious, so complete… It made me feel small… And at the same time so big.

My whole life circled around Harlan. I tried keeping to my promises… To raise him with the best in me… As a mother I always wanted to be there for him… To feed him whenever hungry… To comfort him whenever he was hurt… To cover him when it was cold… To help him up whenever he fell… I also wanted him to always know that I’m his friend…

It happened without knowing how… Or even when… But we started experiencing our differences… We would argue about everything… He became rebellious… He wouldn’t care breaking any rules! I had to put out fires all the time… Reform the peace… While I wondered where did I go wrong?

As a child he was soft at heart… Quiet… Neat… But he was still a boy. I believed he would marry and have children that can be spoilt by their grandmother… Me.

I always told him that the children that make rude remarks are only jealous… But my child floated away from me farther and farther… I became aware of the fear that I might lose him, pleading him to talk to me.

One morning…

Without words… He put a letter in my hands… “Mom… I’m gay.”

NO! Not my son! I fell down in agony. Not Harlan!

I kept on telling myself that I’m dreaming… I will awake from this nightmare and everything will be fine again… He’s only imagining it… What will I tell my family? What will people say? Everyone judges homosexuality… And… What will God do to my child?!

That night I knelt aside his bed… I listened to his peaceful breathing while he slept… I mourned at God’s feet. Without sound I cried “Why? Why if according to people there isn’t any hope for him? He is my child! What about my dreams for him? The perfect wife? Grandchildren? How can I look at my son at the side of another man? Holding hands… Holding each other.


I became quiet in a Presence. I realized… My child didn’t change… He’s still the same son that jokes with me… Laughs with me… His arms around my neck still feel the same… His heartbeat against mine is still the same pulse. This is my son! Nothing will change my love for him… No wife… No children… God entrusted him in my womb and I promised that I will be there for him.

It wasn’t always an easy road. Sometimes the acceptance was difficult… Taking it day for day… Made it all worth it and today… Our relationship is exquisite… We share everything…

Whenever I see him holding his lover I see how happy they are… And his happiness is my happiness.

When one day he’s standing in front of the chapel… Watching as his lover walks up to him to promise everlasting cherish… I will most surely stand at his side! God loves me… And praise God, He loves my son.

Psalm 139: 13 – 17: For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I Praise You because I’m fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts o God! How vast is the sum of them!

He’s still my son.

Johanna E. Maroni.